My CV
[Dankie aan Arthur]

Ek's 'n vrou en ek's kosbaar.  Kyk wat is als in my:
Silwer inni hare, goud inni tanne, yster inni are, stene inni niere, kalsium inni knieë en lood inni voete!
Dan is ek nog sexy ook - die bo-seksie hang oor die onder-seksie!
Dan is daar nog die oulike man wat my soggens wakker maak!  Arthur Ritis.
Is my lewe nie 'n lied nie!

Boesman se beskrywing van heuningby
[Dankie aan DeniseK]

GELOWIGE LEEU

Jan , 'n gelowige man, gaan jag. 
In die bos storm 'n leeu hom. 
Hy bid vinnig en desperaat.... 
 "Here, laat dit 'n christelike leeu wees" is al wat hy uitkry . 
 Die leeu stop by Jan, sit sy poot op Jan se kop en sê: "Seën Heer die voedsel wat vir my voorgesit is en maak my opreg dankbaar daarvoor.
AMEN

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman wave at him and say hello.  He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"  To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids".  Now his mind races. He racks his brain and travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "O no!!!!! Are you the stripper
from Fred's stag night that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped me with wet celery???" She
looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's Grade 3 teacher"

Spaghetti
[Thanks to Johan]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in taly to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. 

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without.   Send extra sauce."

Ware mediese aantekeninge op hospitaalkaarte

My father is a exotic dancer

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him." The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true. "No" said Billy, "He is a South African  rugby administator but I was just too embarrassed to say."
Jake White needs all the support South Africa can give him.No matter what happens we are still the champs.
Jake go ,we behind you and your team.

Warning: New Scam

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men. What happens is that when you stop for a red light a young, nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield. While she is doing this another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car. They are very good at this.

They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday. I wasn't able to find them on Sunday.

The inheritance

When Joe found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man", he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening. Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much smarter than men.

Wrong way!

A blonde was driving down the motorway when her mobile phone rang.
It was her husband, urgently warning her: "Honey, I just heard on the
news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M25. Please be
careful!"
"It's not just one car!" said the blonde, "There's hundreds of
them!"

New Apple product
Dankie: Koos VanderWatt

Apple announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.
The i-Tit will cost R4990 to R5990, depending on speaker size. 
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts* and not listening to them.

CLASSIC!!!!
 
A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.  “What was that for?” he says.  “That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,” she replies.  “Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,” he explains.  She looks satisfied and apologizes.  Three days later he’s again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.  When he comes to, he says, “What the hell was that for?” “Your horse phoned.”

Putting Your Affairs In Order... [Dankie aan Cotie]

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.' After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end.
'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS.'
The woman said, 'I don't want any of those b!*@%&s sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

That's 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.

Oupa en Ouma

Oupa en ouma sit op die stoep en bewonder die sonsondergang en praat oor die goeie ou dae toe ouma na oupa toe draai en sê "Ou man, onthou jy nog hoe jy altyd oorgeleun en my hand gevat het?"
Oupa kry so glimlaggie en vat haar hand.
"Onthou jy nog," vra sy weer "...hoe jy soms oorgeleun en 'n soentjie gesteel het?"
Weereens gehoorsaam oupa en hy gee haar 'n piksoentjie.
"Onthou jy nog hoe jy somtyds my ore geknibbel het?" wil ouma weet.
Oupa kom sukkel sukkel orent en staan huis se kant toe.
"Waar gaan jy nou?" wil ouma ongeduldig weet.
Oupa antwoord: "Ek gaan net gou my tande haal!"

Marathon

"Ek is gevra om 'n marathon te hardloop."
"Daar is nie 'n manier nie!" sê ek toe.
"Asseblief," sê hulle toe "dit is vir blinde en gebreklike kindertjies!"
"Hel," dink ek toe "hierdie een kan ek wen."

Sny die gras!

Na ons grassnyer gebreek het en nie meer wou werk nie, het ek aanhoudend by my man geneul om dit te laat regmaak, maar om een of ander rede het die versoek nooit by hom ingesink nie. Ek dink toe aan 'n oulike plan om my punt te maak. Toe my man daardie middag by die huis kom, kry hy my al sittende in die lang gras besig om die gras met 'n naaldwerkskêrtjie af te knip. Hy het my so 'n rukkie gestaan en kyk en is toe die huis in. Na 'n paar minute
kom hy terug en gee my 'n tandeborsel en sê dat as ek klaar is ek net sowel die oprit kan vee.
Die dokters sê hy sal leef maar dit sal 'n lang tyd wees voor hy weer sal
glimlag...

Married

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other  people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on an intercontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both   very tired and fell asleep quickly......he in the upper bunk, she in the lower.
At 1.00 a.m. the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying
Ma'am,   I'm sorry to bother you. but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f**king blanket." 

I like your way of thinking

Muthu was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked
him to answer a question, Muthu, if there were five birds sitting on a
fence and you hit one with your Sling - shot, how many would be left?"
"None" replied Muthu, "because the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Muthu then says, "I have a question for you, teacher.
If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I.....I guess..... The one sucking the cone?"
"No, teacher," said Muthu, "the one with the wedding ring on her
finger,
but I like the way you're thinking too

CRAZY DOMAIN NAMES

Thanks to: Maretha Erichsen

The following are all legitimate companies that didn't spend quite
>enough time considering how their online domain name might appear ...
>and be misread.
>These are not made up. Check them out...
>1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that >represents any celebrity. Their Web site is: www.whorepresents.com
>2. Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at: www.expertsexchange.com
>3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at: > www.penisland.net
>4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at: www.therapistfinder.com
>5. There's the Italian Power Generator company: www.powergenitalia.com
>6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales:
>www.molestationnursery.com <http://www.molestationnursery.com%20> .
>7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always: > www.ipanywhere.com  
>8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is: www.cummingfirst.com ><http://www.cummingfirst.com/ >  .
>9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site: >www.speedofart.com <http://www.speedofart.com/ >

WORTH A READ

Thanks to: Maretha Erichsen

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine .
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at
large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis..
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Beer doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean (against doors, tables, walls)

Birds and the Bees
[Thanks to Lovine]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong. 

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the "There's no Easter Bunny” speech.
At seven, I got the "There's no Tooth Fairy" speech. When I was eight, you
Hit me with the "There's no Santa" speech. If you're going to tell me that
Grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for." 

TILL DEATH DO US PART

Thanks to: Maretha Erichsen

When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated.
>A couple of months later, Myrtle also died. Once in heaven, Myrtle, Anxiously looked for Joe. Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could clearly see him. 

She run towards him, calling his name: "Joe. darling.."

> Joe said: "Hold your horses woman, and don't "darling" me. The deal was very clear!! "Until death do us part!

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