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My CV
[Dankie aan Arthur]
Ek's 'n vrou
en ek's kosbaar. Kyk wat is als
in my:
Silwer inni hare, goud inni tanne,
yster inni are, stene inni niere,
kalsium inni knieë en lood inni voete!
Dan is ek nog sexy ook - die bo-seksie hang oor die onder-seksie!
Dan is daar nog die oulike man wat my soggens wakker maak! Arthur Ritis.
Is my lewe nie 'n lied nie!
Boesman se beskrywing
van heuningby
[Dankie aan DeniseK]
Hoe die Boesman die heuningby beskryf: "Dis dai groot vliegietjie wat die blom eet en die jam poep! Hyt nie die tand
by sy bek, maar hy loop met die assegaai by die
hol".
GELOWIGE LEEU
Jan , 'n gelowige
man, gaan jag.
In die bos storm 'n leeu hom.
Hy bid vinnig en desperaat....
"Here, laat dit
'n christelike leeu wees" is al wat hy uitkry .
Die leeu stop by Jan, sit sy
poot op Jan se kop en sê:
"Seën Heer die voedsel wat vir
my voorgesit is en maak
my opreg dankbaar daarvoor.
AMEN
I THINK YOU'RE THE
FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...
A guy goes to the
supermarket and notices a very attractive woman wave at him and say hello. He's
rather taken aback, because he can't place where
he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the
father of one of my kids". Now his mind races. He racks his brain and
travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says, "O no!!!!! Are you the stripper
from Fred's stag night that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner
whipped me with wet celery???" She
looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's Grade 3 teacher"
Spaghetti
[Thanks to Johan]
For
several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One
night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his
reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go
to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in taly
to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child
turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it
discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write
"Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child
support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card
today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The
wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and
fainted.
On the card was written:
"Spaghetti,
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two
without. Send extra sauce."
HOE MAAK DIE GODE 'n VROU?
[Dankie aan Dez]
Hul kruis 'n vlinder, 'n koei en 'n miskruier. - Dan is daar 'n
mooi dingetjie, met tieties, wat heeldag rustig loop en str@nt soek!
Ware mediese aantekeninge op hospitaalkaarte
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Sy het nie saamtrekkings of koors nie, maar haar man sê sy was gisteraand
baie warm in die bed.
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Pasiënt het borspyn
as sy langer as 'n jaar op haar linkersy lê.
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Op die tweede dag was die knie beter, op die derde dag het dit verdwyn.
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Die pasiënt is hartseer en huil aanhoudend. Dit lyk of sy ook depressief
is.
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Die pasiënt is depressief sedert sy my in 1993 begin sien het.
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Ontslagstatus: Lewend,
maar sonder my toestemming.
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Die pasiënt het 'n outopsie geweier.
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Die pasiënt het geen geskiedenis van selfmoord nie.
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Die pasiënt het sy witbloedselle by 'n ander hospitaal gelos.
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Hy het oor
die afgelope drie dae net 40kg opgetel.
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Sy is verlam van haar tone af ondertoe.
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Die vel was droog en klam.
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Die pasiënt het wafels vir ontbyt en anoreksia vir middagete gehad.
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Hy lyk gesond vir 69. Verstandelik skerp, maar vergeetagtig.
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Het by tye konstante, ongereelde hoofpyn.
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Rektale inspeksie
het normale grootte skildklier getoon.
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Sy was die grootste
deel van haar lewe hardlywig totdat sy geskei
is.
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Albei borste
is eenders en reageer
op lig en akkommodasie.
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Die vel is ietwat bleek, maar teenwoordig.
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Pasiënt het twee tienerkinders,
maar geen ander abnormaliteite nie.
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My father is a exotic dancer
Billy was at school
this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers
did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman,
salesman, doctor, captain of industry etc, but
Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about
his father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really
good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them
sleep with him." The teacher quickly set the other children some work
and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.
"No" said Billy, "He is a South African
rugby administator but I was just too
embarrassed to say."
Jake White needs all the support South Africa can give him.No
matter what happens we are still the champs.
Jake go ,we behind you and your team.
Warning: New Scam
This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men. What happens is that when
you stop for a red light a young, nude woman comes up and pretends to be
washing your windshield. While she is doing this another person opens your
back door and steals anything in the car. They are very good at this.
They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday. I wasn't able to find them
on Sunday.
The inheritance
When Joe found out
he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he
needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar
where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural
beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man", he said as he walked up to
her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20
million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening. Three days later, she
became his stepmother.
Women are so much smarter than men.
Wrong way!
A blonde was driving
down the motorway when her mobile phone rang.
It was her husband, urgently warning her: "Honey, I just heard on the
news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M25. Please be
careful!"
"It's not just one car!" said the blonde, "There's
hundreds of
them!"
New Apple product
Dankie: Koos VanderWatt
Apple announced today
that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity
music in women's breast implants.
The i-Tit will cost R4990 to R5990, depending on
speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained
about men staring at their breasts* and not listening to them.
CLASSIC!!!!
A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him
and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. “What was that for?” he
says. “That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the
name Mary Lou written on it,” she replies. “Two weeks ago when I went
to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,” he
explains. She looks satisfied and apologizes. Three days later
he’s again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger
frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he says, “What the
hell was that for?” “Your horse phoned.”
Putting Your Affairs
In Order... [Dankie aan
Cotie]
A woman went to her
doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news.
You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate
when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have
cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.' After 3 or 4 martinis,
the two were feeling a little less somber. There
were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some
of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were
celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end.
'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your
friends you were dying of AIDS.'
The woman said, 'I don't want any of those
b!*@%&s sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
That's 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.
Oupa en Ouma
Oupa en ouma
sit op die stoep en bewonder
die sonsondergang en praat
oor die goeie ou dae toe ouma
na oupa toe draai en sê "Ou man, onthou jy nog hoe jy
altyd oorgeleun en my
hand gevat het?"
Oupa kry so glimlaggie en vat haar hand.
"Onthou jy nog," vra sy weer "...hoe jy soms
oorgeleun en 'n soentjie gesteel het?"
Weereens gehoorsaam oupa en hy gee haar 'n piksoentjie.
"Onthou jy nog hoe jy somtyds
my ore geknibbel het?" wil
ouma weet.
Oupa kom sukkel sukkel orent en staan huis se kant toe.
"Waar gaan jy nou?" wil ouma ongeduldig
weet.
Oupa antwoord: "Ek gaan net gou
my tande haal!"
Marathon
"Ek is gevra om
'n marathon te hardloop."
"Daar is nie 'n manier nie!" sê ek toe.
"Asseblief," sê
hulle toe "dit is vir blinde en gebreklike kindertjies!"
"Hel," dink ek toe "hierdie een kan
ek wen."
Sny die gras!
Na ons grassnyer gebreek het en nie meer wou werk
nie, het ek aanhoudend by my man geneul om dit te
laat regmaak, maar om een of ander
rede het die versoek nooit by hom ingesink nie. Ek dink toe aan 'n oulike plan om my punt te maak. Toe my man daardie middag by die huis kom, kry
hy my al sittende in die lang gras besig
om die gras met 'n naaldwerkskêrtjie af te knip. Hy
het my so 'n rukkie gestaan
en kyk en is toe die huis
in. Na 'n paar minute
kom hy terug en gee my 'n tandeborsel en sê dat as ek klaar
is ek net sowel die oprit kan vee.
Die dokters sê hy sal leef
maar dit sal 'n lang tyd wees
voor hy weer sal
glimlag...
Married
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned
to the same sleeping room on an intercontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very
tired and fell asleep quickly......he in the upper bunk, she in the lower.
At 1.00 a.m. the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying
Ma'am, I'm
sorry to bother you. but would you be willing to
reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's
pretend that we're married."
Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f**king
blanket."
I like your way
of thinking
Muthu was sitting in class doing
math problems when his teacher picked
him to answer a question, Muthu, if there were five
birds sitting on a
fence and you hit one with your Sling - shot, how many would be left?"
"None" replied Muthu, "because the
rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the
way you're thinking."
Muthu then says, "I have a question for you,
teacher.
If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking
her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone,
which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I.....I guess..... The
one sucking the cone?"
"No, teacher," said Muthu, "the one
with the wedding ring on her
finger,
but I like the way you're thinking too
CRAZY DOMAIN
NAMES
Thanks to: Maretha Erichsen
The following are
all legitimate companies that didn't spend quite
>enough time considering how their online domain name might appear ...
>and be misread.
>These are not made up. Check them out...
>1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that
>represents any celebrity. Their Web site is: www.whorepresents.com
>2. Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views at: www.expertsexchange.com
>3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at: > www.penisland.net
>4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at: www.therapistfinder.com
>5. There's the Italian Power Generator company: www.powergenitalia.com
>6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales:
>www.molestationnursery.com <http://www.molestationnursery.com%20> .
>7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always: > www.ipanywhere.com
>8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is: www.cummingfirst.com ><http://www.cummingfirst.com/ > .
>9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site:
>www.speedofart.com <http://www.speedofart.com/ >
WORTH
A READ
Thanks to: Maretha Erichsen
Those who jump off a
bridge in Paris are in Seine .
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two
tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : the LAN down
under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it
taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at
large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis..
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Beer doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean (against doors, tables, walls)
Birds and the
Bees
[Thanks
to Lovine]
A father asked his
10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want
to know," the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won't
tell me."
Confused, the father
asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed,
"When I was six, I got the "There's no Easter Bunny” speech.
At seven, I got the "There's no Tooth Fairy" speech. When I was
eight, you
Hit me with the "There's no Santa" speech. If you're going to tell
me that
Grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live
for."
TILL DEATH DO US
PART
Thanks to: Maretha Erichsen
When Joe, a nice man
married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated.
>A couple of months later, Myrtle also died. Once in heaven, Myrtle, Anxiously looked for Joe. Suddenly, behind a
cloud, she could clearly see him.
She run towards him, calling his name: "Joe. darling.."
> Joe said:
"Hold your horses woman, and don't
"darling" me. The deal was very clear!! "Until death do us part!
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Funny
Pics
ABCtshirt - BigShark - Bull - CarOnRailing
- CrazyAccident
- DogSlayer
- DogsWorstNightmare
- DontMix - fatcat - Haas - InTrouble BlondeDriver
- Chilling - TaxiDeLux - RoyalFart - MaakBureKwaad
- BadBreath
Men can multitask! Too much technology? Genius | Boys will be boys
Word for blondes
| No fear Female domination
Chill Bad hair day | Cool cat Bad boy | Spaar
varkie Computer for girls | Surprise Clinton&Monica
|Cinderella Depressed? | Ghetto pool Fountain | Mouse | Fart
Iron? | Gas chamber
Boss Tarzan | Michael Jackson Dumbo | Cute bottom Funny granny | Good wife Save toiletpaper | Parking Born beer drinker?
Versoek 'n kwotasie aan: bc@introdata.co.za
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